More Somatic Influence, Less Algorithmic Influence

Hey ya’ll. Wow. What a couple of days. Things are hard. I am not sure that I have to tell anyone that. At least not anyone interested in reading this blog. 

I wanted to check in and share how I am managing stuff (better at sometimes than others) and what I might do in the future to continue managing the stuff. 

What I really wanted to share was the resource that I have been using to try to have less algorithmic influence and more somatic influence in my life. 

For the last four to five years, I have been normalizing the use of my screens to soothe some part of me that was wildly disrupted by the pandemic and the trauma responses from that and then all of the personal discovery I did when I didn’t have to mask so damn much. So many realizations in such a short period of time (some of which likely should have been noticed when I was kid and some of which would have been developmentally appropriate adolescent discoveries). There are so many reasons why they weren’t and while I would like to blame all the people around me, it really was just the time that it was. The 90s, in small small town Ohio, influenced greatly by the Catholic church. 

So, I had a wild influx of information about myself to myself (aided by information from social media) (and then researched heavily on my own). And it was super overwhelming. So, I turned to the most readily available dissociation tactic for my elder millennial ways - Instagram. And, I scrolled. Between clients. After I got off work. In the park. On vacation. Watching tv before bed. (while wanting to connect more with myself and my partner). 

I have been chronically online. And I have learned A LOT. Like, a lot a lot. And I have also been shown what the algorithm has wanted me to see. It’s a double edged sword, sort of. I am so grateful for what I learned about myself and the world through this portal of (dis)connection. AND I was so disconnected from myself while I was doing it. I wasn’t ever giving myself time for integration. For letting my body feel what it needed to feel about all these changes that I was experiencing (socially, politically, personally - they’re all so intertwined).

The way social media works is really similar to how the casino (and gambling addiction) works. You think the next big score or the next really really important piece of information is right behind the last story you saw of the reel your favorite influencer’s favorite influencer posted. And….it’s all really just more information. If you don’t practice community, it doesn’t matter how many posts you read about it or how much you share to your stories you will not know the power of being across from someone you trust, sharing part of yourself, and being seen. And that is where we are really able to be human, to fuck up, to make mistakes, and repair those mistakes. 

I don’t think I am the only one coming to the conclusion that the online world has been both helpful and harmful in many different ways. Friends have shared similar stories. Others who have been chronically online have expressed new experiences of understanding nuance in a different way when they say something in person that would have been taken in a very wrong way online (without tone or context). And, please, I am not saying that there is no place for an online community. I think that is wildly important for disability justice. And, what we have been doing and calling it community is just…not it. I feel fire in my belly when I see an influencer talking about their “community” when it is really a parasocial relationship that we’ve all fallen into. I want us all to experience actual community (and if you find real community in social media, great - that has not been the case for me) (I have found community in finding events on social media and going to those events and meeting people and doing the scary thing of asking if they wanted to be friends) (I realize the privilege in that as well).

So, around the end of December, I got a Brick. And Bricked my phone. Here is more information about it: Brick Info. And I made it so that Instagram (my most utilized app) was bricked. Most of the time. When I wasn’t home. When I was home. When I went out to eat with friends.  When I go to the gym. And I am slowly noticing some differences. My breath is deeper. My capacity is wider. My somatic awareness is stronger. My attention span is longer. (some of this might also have to do with the first somatic experiencing session I have had in a long time, too…and also the Brick). 

I am not saying that I haven’t kept up on the news, I have, it is horrific. And it is not coming out of my phone like a firehose. I can purposefully ground myself and breath through reading/watching/consuming in a way that I wasn’t able to before. And I have more capacity for doing more in my local community (which is really what I (and we) have control over anyway). I signed up to volunteer in a community garden, I have come up with some group ideas, I have been able to be more present to the people I love (and include myself in that). 

I am not saying that this Brick and my decreased instagram usage is going to fix everything. And I am curious about learning more about what my body wants and less about what the algorithm wants me to want.